Is Love a Decision or an Emotion?

There is a famous quote by Lau Tzu which says “love is a decision, not an emotion”. Quite a controversial statement to say the least, and possibly not even Lau Tsu’s words given they weren’t written down anywhere, least of all the Tao te Ching.

Nevertheless, this quote reminded me of a scene in ‘Queen Charlotte’, the Bridgeton spin off series, where a mother of a wayward son - balking at the prospect of an arranged marriage - was trying to persuade him with the idea that love is a choice. It made me think long and hard about this concept of love being a decision, and I realised that there was some truth to it. 

Sure, love ofttimes comes like a hurricane, sweeping you up in a whirlwind of sexual chemistry that seems so irresistible it feels more like destiny than a choice. Yet, you can still choose to close your heart to someone, to clam up like a shell and keep it shut because you’re once bitten twice shy. Or you can open your heart and explore what’s there, all the connections, the possibilities, the opportunities, feeling your way towards the potential for a committed partnership. So, there is always a decision to be made somewhere along the way.

To some, falling in love is the ultimate dream, while for others romance is scary. Love may feel like the most liberating experience for one person and a jail sentence to another. There are so many ways to feel and express love - all equally valid - but we’ve been so indoctrinated by society about what love is that we get confused by all the different articulations of it.

We are taught to compare different kinds of love to another, so we end up saying silly things to ourselves like ‘this can't really be love because it’s not heart-pounding hormonal love’, or “this quiet, abiding love isn’t exciting enough, so this person can’t be the one.” We assume there’s only one type of ‘soulmate love’ - usually the romantic, sexy type you see in the movies - when really there are so many flavours, so many gradients and subtleties that make the experience of love so utterly enchanting and unpredictable. The different expressions are as diverse as we are, because we are all so unique.

One of the biggest questions we often have in life is how do we find our soulmate? There are many answers to this, but here are some thoughts. Firstly, we need to accept that love takes many forms, and that sometimes our soulmates are the very people who we love to hate the most - the people who push our buttons and take us out of our comfort zone, the ones who challenge us and help us to learn and evolve. That’s why partnerships and marriages are so nuanced, and often more than a little messy.

Secondly, let’s remind ourselves that love is our true essence. It is the treasure that lies in every cell of our being because we are in fact none other than love itself in human form. So in order to find love, all we have to do is find ourselves. In life, this translates to doing whatever it takes to keep our hearts wide open, expressive and vulnerable. The vulnerability part of this equation often scares the heebie-jeebies out of us, but the sensitivities that come with true partnership are the very things that make falling in love so utterly beguiling.

When we realise that the natural energy exchange of the universe is an endless cycle of giving and receiving (think of the infinity symbol), it becomes very obvious that all we have to do to attract love is to give love. Not to look for it or crave it, but to give it, in as many forms, to as many people as is humanly possible. When we do this, love comes back to us like a gigantic boomerang, winging its way from every corner of the universe and showering us with its magic.

I actually have personal experience of this – i have felt the love-boomerang effect. When I was 18 years old, I fell in love with the most beautiful man who felt very much like my soul mate. When we broke up unexpectedly, I stayed single for many years mourning him and feeling very lonely. One day I could not stop crying even though it had been four years since we’d broken up. I pulled myself together and realised that this was crazy, I just had to move on, soulmate or not.

In that moment I decided that instead of pining for love, I would give love. I focused on my friends and family and showered them with love. I showered complete strangers with love, I showered nature with love, I love-bombed every flower or tree or butterfly that passed me by. Perhaps most importantly of all, I showered myself with love. After a few weeks, to my surprise I was suddenly flavour of the month with guys who had hardly seemed to notice me before. I had offers of dates coming out of my ears - I couldn’t believe it!  My future husband showed up in my life soon after and we’ve been together ever since. I think if I’d stayed in that lonely place focusing on all the lack in my life, I would never have met him. It just goes to show we don’t just have one soulmate – there are many if we just open the right doors in our heart.

This experience has taught me without a shadow of a doubt that when you give love, in whatever form, you receive it back exponentially. I’ve heard that this is a law of the universe – that whatever you give out you get back tenfold. I feel this makes total sense if all we really are is love. As Rumi said;

“Love is the bridge between you and everything.”

xx

Andrea Revell

 About Andrea Revell

Andrea is a visionary thought leader, philosopher and author on all things mind body spirit. Previously an academic at universities in the UK and Asia, she has lived and travelled all over the world researching and teaching on sustainability and spirituality, encouraging systemic solutions to our planetary health problems. Using integrative medicine to successfully resolve an autoimmune condition she had for many years, Andrea trained in various alternative healing modalities and is now an internationally certified spiritual life coach, unlocking people’s potential with the power of meditation, breathwork and ancient Egyptian numerology. She has a PhD in environmental ethics and is a lover of philosophy, particularly Eastern philosophy, inspired by her years of living in India and Japan. Andrea has a regular yoga and meditation practice and loves to explore all things metaphysical. Having grown up in New Zealand and South Africa, she now lives in the UK with her husband and two children.

You can connect with her on World of Enlighten, Tiktok, Instagram or her Website.